If an elderly parent stopped paying bills on time would you ask them about it?  If mom or dad had a series of falls in the home would you insist that they have a medical exam?  How would you feel about entering into discussions like these?

Sometimes the traditional parent-child roles make it difficult for adult children and their parents to discuss important issues.  Adult children and their parents can get trapped in a “father/mother knows best” mindset.  These patterns block effective communication on issues such as home safety, medical care, driving, financial matters and living arrangements.

Research conducted by Jake Harwood, PhD., a communications professor at the University of Arizona, and the former director of the school’s Graduate Program in Gerontology, showed that Boomer children have the most difficulty talking with their parents about independence-related issues, such as whether the parents should continue to live in their own homes.

Harwood offers several suggestions to get beyond the barriers.  Adult children should start by carefully observing and gathering information.  Keep an open mind and don’t jump to conclusions based on pre-conceived ideas about aging.  When the adult child is ready to discuss the observations, ask the parent to give their interpretation of the events.

Second, don’t wait for a crisis or an accident to start these discussions.  Sooner is always better than later when information has been gathered.  Plant the seeds for these serious conversations early to give the parent time to reach their own decisions. The goal of this communication is maximizing the senior’s independence.  Adopting the parental role or speaking in a patronizing manner will most likely undermine that goal.

Home Instead Senior Care has converted this research into a campaign called “The 40-70 Rule” - which means that if you are 40 and your parents are 70, it’s time to start talking about these sensitive topics. You can call their office at 952-929-5695 for a helpful free booklet called The 40-70 Rule Guide or go to www.4070talk.com for more information, including “Ten Tips to Help Seniors Communicate with Their Boomer Children.” The following “Seven Tips” are taken directly from the “40-70” literature.

 Seven Tips to Help Boomer Children Communicate With Their Aging Parents:

1. Get Started.
   If you’re 40 or your parents are 70, it’s time to start observing and gathering information carefully and thoughtfully. Don’t reach a conclusion from a single observation and decide on the best solution until you have gathered information with an open mind and talked with your parents.
2. Talk it out.
   Approach your parents with a conversation. Discuss what you’ve observed and ask your parents what they think is going on. If your parents acknowledge the situation, ask what they think would be good solutions. If your parents don’t recognize a problem, use concrete examples to support your case.
3. Sooner is best.
   Talk sooner rather than later when a crisis has occurred. If you know your loved one has poor eyesight or has trouble driving at night, begin to address those issues before a problem arises.
4. Forget the Baby Talk
   Remember you are talking to an adult, not a child. Patronizing speech or baby talk will put older adults on the defensive and convey a lack of respect for them. Put yourself in your parents’ shoes and think of how you would want to be addressed in the situation.
5. Maximize the Independence.
   Always try to move toward solutions that provide the maximum amount of independence for the older person. Look for answers that optimize strengths and compensate for problems. For instance, if your loved ones need help at home, look for tools that can help them maintain their strengths. Professional caregiving services provide assistance in a number of areas including meal preparation, light housekeeping or medication reminders.
6. Be aware of the whole situation.
   If your dad dies and soon afterward your mom’s house seems to be in disarray, it’s probably not because she suddenly became ill. It’s much more likely to stem from a lack of social support and the loss of a life-long relationship.
7. Ask for Help
   Many of the issues of aging can be solved by providing parents with the support they need to continue to maintain their independence.

Another valuable resource for families is a book by David L. Solie: How to Say It to Seniors, Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders. There are three reservable copies of this book in the Hennepin county library system. This book was written for professionals but has practical use for everyone communicating with older adults. David Solie’s theory of communicating with seniors has to do with understanding their “developmental drivers,” maintaining control and searching for a legacy – and how these drivers create dilemmas for all of us. Go to www.dsolie.com/ to learn more.

Eden Prairie Professionals in Aging is a professional networking organization made up of representatives of diverse organizations, all committed to the welfare of seniors in our community. For more information on EPPIA, please visit our website at www.edenprairieaging.org/.

Submitted by EPPIA Members:

Joyce M. Konczyk, Geriatric Care Manager, 612.227.7414

Fred Olson, Home Instead Senior Care, Retired, 952-929-5695

Cher Franta, Home Instead Senior Care, Owner, 952-929-5695

Lisa Schmidtke, Housecalls Network President, 952.303.4207

Joanne Bartel, Prairie Adult Care Director, 612.741.9163